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Nearly new OEM battery dead (not the first time)

I have a Mid-2012 15” MBP with a very gently used battery - CoconutBattery says only nine charge cycles, yet the battery’s shot and needs to be replaced.

This happened to me with a black MacBook (non-unibody) battery awhile ago, too. Is there any way to force reset these batteries?

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Unfortunately not as from what I understand they have a built in chip that saves data such as Cycles & capacity, furthermore just to be on the safe side it is not recommended to use a faulty battery as it can quite easily cause other issues that will likely require board level work to repair which can get quite expensive.

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As Livfe said in an earlier comment, I wouldn't recommend using a "shot battery." However, you could attempt resetting the SMC on both this laptop and your mac: https://support.apple.com/en-gb/102605 as it might help.

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